My first test

Last night my sister called me.

She told me that my mother talked to my aunt concerning mine and my sister's request for a lunch date Saturday.

When I asked my mom she said he might work that day. (bullshit)

When my mom talked to my aunt she said "who'd want to eat lunch at 3:30. (bullshit)

When my sister asked her last night she said "i'm really overwhelmed with everything right now, i'm not sure i'll have time" (bullshit)

The real reason: She knows my sister and I want to discuss the events of last saturday and our concern for her well being.  My mom has always avoided discussing serious topics with my sister and I.  If we "accidentally" begin to engage in a serious talk, she has been known to pass the phone off to her husband or say she "i cant handle you right now talk to______" and shut us out.

All my life i've found out about serious matters through my aunt or my cousins, never my mother.  Her excuse was always "i don't want you to worry".  But that can't work this time, and finally now that im an adult i realize she was never concerned with me worrying but she was more worried about herself having to engage in a serious talk.

Two big reasons this whole situation is bothering me:

1. i finally am making a big effort to build a relationship with my mother. over the past 9 months ive shared things with her that happened years ago, but never told her then because i didnt trust her.  ive relied on her when ive been upset to cheer me up and tell me it will be ok.  i would call her just to talk, and got excited to go home just to hang out.  but because of her reaction to what happened and her reaction to mine and my sister's request for a serious talk, my desire to continue working on our relationship is very diminished.  you can't have a relationship with someone that wants to bail when times get tough, and that is exactly what she is doing.

2. she keeps asking my sister if im calmed down or better.  she knows im upset with her but refuses to ask me if im ok or ask me if ive calmed down or even ask me why upset.

these were all the thoughts running through my head as my sister explained to me last night what my mom said to my aunt.

i was upset and crying.  i wanted to go home and cry and cry to patrick about how much my mom has hurt me.  i wanted to call my papa or aunt and ask them what to do.  

but i didn't.  i talked to my sister.  i expressed my feelings to her.  i calmed myself down, convincing myself calling others or crying to patrick wont accomplish anything but make them upset.  they don't have the answers, only i do.  so i wiped away the tears, walked into the apartment and pretended everything was ok. i down played the phone conversation with my sister and just said "my mom is being retarded."  and sure enough 15 minutes later i had forgotten about it and was laughing and joking with patrick.

im glad to know i can be posi.  im glad to see it does work, and people around me will be having more fun and feel happier themselves.  and im glad to know if something happens that upsets me (rightful so) i can move past it quickly, have a good day and be productive.

posi

I have that word tattoo'ed  on my hip.  It is short for positive.  

Posi is a lifestyle.  A lifestyle I was living at the time I got the tattoo.

But lately (going on for months now) I haven't been true to being posi.

My tendency to worry is overwhelming me and clouding my ability to complete day to day tasks.  It is isolating me from friends and family.  It is making my usually fun and enjoyable job a responsibility I dread.  It is infecting those I love.

That is why I am really going to try and follow the posi lifestyle once again.  When every I worry, I am going to mentally counter that worry with a reason why it isn't that big of a deal, a possible solution and something good in my life.

Strong emotions like sadness, anxiety, and high stress can effect those around you.  I've noticed it at work, in my classes and at home.  

I used to be really good at convincing people that "everything is ok" I never shared with others how I really felt, I was always happy. I've become extremely readable, when I'm upset everyone can tell (facial expressions, body language, energy level, and interest).  

I'm going to try really hard to return to my "everything is ok" attitude.  If something is wrong I'm not going to let it outwardly get me down and there by not let it effect those around me.  I realize this can be unhealthy for me, but again I will counter every worry/negative thought with a decreased emphasis on the importance, a possible solution, and a positive thought.

If something is really bothering me I will keep my venting for my journal, for my sister and for my therapist because those are the three people  that I feel comfortable asking to take on my emotional baggage.

If you think you should be on that list and wonder why you aren't, it is honestly better for both of us that you aren't.  You will soon see how much happier I will be and how much more fun we will have together.

goals update

1. run

did not run at all this past week.  i was really good at make up reasons i couldn't and shouldn't run every day i planned on running.  

BUT i did get my bike out friday and rode it for the first time in three months.  my "bike" muscles are a bit sore but im looking forward to more biking this summer.

2. hang out

i kept to all social commitments i made this past week.  i spent time with people other than patrick wed, fri, sat and sun.  keeping to social commitments or making them may prove to be a bit more difficult this week since i've decided to take an indefinite break from drinking.

3. food

i go grocer shopping tonight (first time since making this goal) which will be the real test.

A reaction

(**posted as a bulletin on my myspace and reposted here as a reminder**)

An event happened this weekend that has had multiple effects on me.

The most obvious will be my disinterest in the "bar scene" (though my interest previous to this event was very minimal) and a period of sobriety.

I've always been cautious of my drinking. I have grown up around alcoholics and never wanted to depend on alcohol to relax or have fun.

Saturday night my mother and step-father were driving home from a bar (obviously intoxicated themselves) and were hit by a drunk driver, leaving a different bar. All people involved are ok luckily.

My mother and step-father's reaction to the event made the dangers of drinking and driving a reality to me.

I know many people (including myself) who regularly drink and drive. I used to be very vocal and object to such an act. But over the past few years I've become much more relaxed. I think it is more socially acceptable for people living in Milwaukee to do such a thing compared to Madison where I lived during my "college drinking years".

I am once again making a personal vow to never ever drink and drive. Even if I've had one drink. I have decided to become the permanent DD.

I have decided to once again start voicing my disappointment and concern to my friends when they decide to drink and drive.

I am completely serious when I say call me and I will go to the bar or party you are at and drive you safely home. It doesn't matter where you are or how late it is, I don't want my loved ones putting themselves and others in danger.

My step-father and mother's car accident has forced several issues I have with my mother to surface. Issues that I have tried to ignore, but can no longer. I have some hard decisions to make. But I am taking the advice of my favorite person in the world and trying to focus on the positive and on my school work.

This may seem an inappropriate place to post such a personal event, but I don't feel like dragging myself through the emotions every time I have to explain why I am avoiding bars for awhile and why I am not drinking.

I also wanted to make people who do drink and drive realize how dangerous and close to home it is. My step-dad and mom were only ten minutes from home and they got into an accident. It doesn't matter where you are going or how many drinks you've had, it can happen to you and I don't think anyone wants to put the lives of others in jeopardy because they were to irresponsible.

Inspiration

This is where I got the idea for my next tattoo.

passing through unconscious states

I feel tired a lot.

(my sixth grade teacher taught me a lot is two words.  she also said i have horrible penmanship)

I feel tired when I wake up.  I just want to keep sleeping.  I feel tired now.  I feel tired around 2pm.  I feel tired at 6pm.  I feel tired at 9pm.

I typically get 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night.  Usually it is restless, but it is sleep.

I wish there were shops for taking naps.  There would be comfortable cots with pillows and blankets.  Employees would wake you up when your nap was finished.  

Sometimes I try taking naps at coffee shops but I worry about drooling and someone stealing my stuff and not waking up on time.

I want a car just to drive home to take a nap.  I feel like that is an odd desire.

The reason for the picture of the daisies: when I lay in bed at night and my mind is racing and I can't fall asleep I picture a field of daisies.  I focus on the never ending field of pretty little white flowers.  I focus on the petals, or the bright yellow center.  It works every time, I'll fall asleep instantly.  I guess it's my "happy place".

siq tat bro

My students are slowly learning more about me.

Today they learned I'm vegan.  That didn't go over very well.

Then someone asked me if I had any tattoos.  Of course I lied and said I had 75.  

They then started speculating that I have gang banger tattoos and that's why I always wear long sleeves.

Maybe if I had an awesome tattoo like this fool I might show them.