I wish that sledding were enough

I just finished reading this book.  I think it is my third time reading it.  I have given both copies away and this time Brandy said we could share her copy.  

I get in moods where I have to read a book.  It happens with this book, The Bell Jar, 1984, and Catcher in the Rye.  It becomes an obsession and I have such a strong desire to read a book that if I don't appease it, I become frustrated and irritable.

Do you always think this much (....)?

Yea.  Is that bad?

Not necessarily.  It's just that sometimes people use thought to not participate in life.

rain check

I'm pretty sure odd/difficult/annoying/crack head customers are attracted to me.

It throughly amuses me, the interactions I have, so I will share them.

The bakery messed up the raspberry scone batter so we didn't get any.

A woman approaches and orders one without realizing we don't have any (because the bakery messed up the batter for that day).

me:Sorry we don't have any raspberry scones.  There was a mishap in the bakery

customer:Oh no!

me:Oh...not like that. thinking:Maybe "mishap" was a bad word to use. They just messed up the batter or something.(holding up piece of paper from the bakery for the customer to see that informs us they regret any inconvenience this may cause....I'm sure they didn't have this in mind)

customer:Well do I get a rain check?

me: (knowing what she means but hoping that's not what she really means because it is a rather ridiculous request)What do you mean?

customer:Well what do you usually do when you run out of something you normally have?

me:Apologize??

A rain check?!  If you go to the grocery store and they are out of your favorite kind of bread, do they give you a rain check there? NO! If you go to a clothing store and they don't have your size pants, do they give you a rain check there? NO!  So please explain to me lady why the fuck would we give you one here?  Out of the kindness of our hearts?  Sorry you're looking at the wrong person.

H.S.

Lately when I'm watching tv or a movie and there is a scene in a high school I become uneasy.  I picture myself in that scene and imagine all that could go wrong.

I haven't even started student teaching and I already am extremely fearful.

Sometimes I don't feel ready for life.

random thoughts

-my eye hurts. i should call my doc and see why my contacts i ordered over 3wks ago aren't here yet.

-im not meant to dress nicely.  today i stepped in snow, then attempted to shake the snow off my foot, forgetting my shoes easily come off.  shoe went flying into middle of intersection, i then had to walk five feet with no shoe on. with no chance to go home before work i bought a 10dollar pair of socks in despiration.

-i got "hit on" when walking into the h.s. im student teaching at.  this is going to be a very very long 5months.

-listening to girl talk always makes things better (even having a wet/cold foot)

-my phone never has reception. never ever.  i hate tmobile and want a new cell provider.

-i love my macbook and ipod and sister and friends and boyfriend.

-boring night at work for sure.  but tomorrow no work or student teaching crap. just a dumb college class.

xoxox.

carajean.

Reason #46 I sometimes question my mental stability

Laying in bed last night I turn to Patrick and ask him:

me: Wanna hear me make the sound of a raccoon?

This question came out of nowhere.  Well not to me.  There was a whole series of thoughts previous to this question, I just didn't share them with Patrick. 

P: Sure  

me:(make random screechy noises with my mouth and nibble motions inches from his faice)

P: (stares at me for a few seconds then turns to continue watching Anchorman)

me:(laughs)Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me

P:Sometimes? I'm pretty sure it's all the time.  I have a feeling you're gonna do that kind of stuff when you're 50

me: Probs

Future Plans

Pregnancy

I don't understand the desire to become pregnant.  Woman who find their only purpose in life is to further populate the already overly populated planet confuse and slightly anger me.  We all know we've reached our carrying capacity some of us just choose to ignore this by popping them out over and over again.

I know, I wouldn't be here if my mom had the same mentality I did (which I am told she was the one who swore she'd never have children, and ended having two).

But I'm just saying, having babies isn't my top priority, nor do I feel it is my responsibility as a woman to do so.  

A regular customer came into work a few days ago and I noticed for the first time she was pregnant, very very pregnant.  

me: I didn't know you were pregnant.

pregnant customer: Me neither until the sixth month.

me:Wow! Well congratulations.

pregnant customer:Heh....thanks....

The biggest reason I am afraid of having children is I won't know what to do.  I am so critical of myself and always want things to work out a certain way and be perfect, that I could never handle all the responsibility of raising a child, of molding and shaping a person's life.  I can attribute much of who I am today to my mom.  I'm not sure I want someone to say that about me.

Obsessions

I get on kicks.  Current obsessions:

1. Sour watermelon candy.  I eat it just about every day and have tricked my friends into liking them.

2.  Colored socks!  They are way more expensive than white socks.  But since getting all black chucks(thanks Patrick) I've found that white socks look ultra lame.  Plus they don't look "dingy" and my only new year's resolution was to get rid of all my old socks (thanks to Emily's inspiration...or should I say teasing).

3. Medium, 2 shot, honey/vanilla soy lattes.  I've had two today and hope to have a third.  I've decided if school doesn't work out, I'll either become the best barista in the world or the best dj in the world.

4.  Juno soundtrack.  Patrick, Brandy, and all my co-workers agree that I am obsessed with this cd.

My Favorite

I like this boy tons.

We have lots of fun together. He adores my goofy side and makes sure I
take care of myself.

He makes me smile and laugh and my heart is happy.

i just wanna dance

I love dancing.

Not girl booty dancing where the girl just prances around in her short dress/skirt and high heels, drink in one hand. an attempted sexy look on her face, and hopes that some random bro would dry hump her from behind.

I take dancing seriously.  

I go out almost every saturday where my friend dj's.

I am typically joined by friends Brandy and Emily.

Every time I go out someone says something to me.  They either tell me how I'm a great dancer or tell me they love watching me dance (yea kinda creepy) or compliment my shoes.  

Best incidents while dancing:

-drunk Milwaukee girl asking Brandy and I for dance lessons.  You guys are such great dancers!!! Can you teach me how to dance??  

Brandy: Uh....(nervous laugh)....uhh....

-Brandy and I are dancing, two bros approach us.  Typically we dance away from bros because they just wanna touch our boobs or butts and can't dance for shit.  But these two were different.

Bro: It's my birthday will you please dance with me?!

Bro#2We see you guys here every Saturday and have always wanted to dance with you guys, but I'm not sure we can keep up

Me: Probs not

Bro#2:Come on....it's his birthday...

Me:Is that bubblemint??

Bro#2:Yea.

Me:We'll dance if we can have gum.

Bro#2Ok(hands me and brandy gum and dancing begins at a very safe distance....after twenty seconds both realize they are too drunk and too lame to be able to keep up and walk away)

-In chicago random dude comes up to me.  I don't care who you are, but tonight you are the belle of the ball

-Party friend approaches me and yells over the music You are famous for your dance moves!!

Me:What?

Party friend:Come on you know you are!! Like everyone knows you because of how you dance

Me:Uh...(nervous laughter)....whatever....(nervous laughter)

ok ok ok....I sound cocky right? But seriously I know I can out dance almost anyone.  

Last night I involuntarily engaged in a dance off with a girl that wore van slip ons, flared jeans and a short sleeved hooded sweatshirt to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch's song, Good Vibrations. She was pretty good, but after dancing with her for 10 seconds I had her moves memorized.

If you don't believe me, you can see for yourself.

Hi, how can I help you?

I've worked in the customer service industry since I was 17 and I've always hated it.

People are assholes and treat employees like servants.  They are demanding and don't tip.

Despite the fact that I have terrible customer service skills, I get promoted to a manager position in every job I've had.  (Except two jobs where I denied the opportunity to be promoted)

Every time I work I have an encounter with either a very annoyed or very strange or very demanding customer.  My reaction to these customers is never a "customer friendly" reaction. I will typically act extremely aggravated or "bitchy" as one customer called me.  The expectations of some people are so ridiculous and I have a hard time pretending to care.  

My most recent customer interaction was with a woman very upset that her coffee was cold.

lady: (walks up to counter sets two mugs down ) my coffee is cold.

me: (thinking: maybe if you didn't put so much damn milk in your coffee they wouldn't be cold)

Well it was brewed recently

lady: (sticks one finger in each of the cups and then dramatically wipes them on her pants) This was brewed recently?

me:(thinking:Holy fuck lady! You're a nut job. Thanks for displaying how cold the coffee is by shoving your own fingers in the cups)Yea, like twenty minutes ago.  I can brew new coffee if you want but it will take about ten minutes

lady: Do you want to feel?

me: (thinking: Seriously?? You want me to put my fingers in your coffee???  It's ok, I think you are a dramatic crazy woman that likes everything your way and probably is used to gas station hazelnut coffee that is why you put so much damn milk and sugar in your coffee) Ma'am, I'm not putting my fingers in your coffee.  I'll just brew new coffee and let you know when it's ready

lady: Thanks (walks away with the mugs)

me: (thinking: Now she is going to continue to drink her cold coffee that she just immersed her finger in?  Fucking nut job)

  

tomorrow too late

Longest 36 hours of my life.

Asleep at 12:30am.  Not falling asleep, but passing out.

Four sparks can induce "silly and fuzzy thoughts" but also comas.

Sleep doesn't last long.  Alcohol wears off.  Caffeine going strong.

Awake at 2am.  Drink water.  Toss and turn.

Awake at 8:30am.  Drink water.  Pee.  Toss and turn.

Awake at 10am.  Give up on sleep.

Fight the hangover.  Eat toast.  Drink emergen'c and bottled water.  Waiting for the nausea and headache and exhaustion.

Chinese good helps keep the symptoms at bay.

Lie on Erin's couch.  Shut eyes for 5 minutes.  Watch tv.  Shut eyes for 10 minutes.  Watch tv.

Take a nap.  Lay staring at the ceiling for 15minutes.  Give up on sleep.  Pack.  Finish a book.

It's Friday night.  Going out despite a 6am flight.

Get ready.  I change my shirt.  Wait for the other girls.  Change clothes.  Debate on the cuteness of an outfit.  Make-up.  Hair.  Change again.  Make-up.

Friends come over.  Get in car.  Sit in silence while everyone is chattering about "so and so" and "so and so" and "so and so"...

At a bar full of people I usually make fun of.  Low cut shiny shirts.  Orange skin.  Pink shimmery lips.  Popped collars.  K-swiss.

Dollar drinks.

Cranberry vodka.  Cranberry vodka.  Cranberry vodka.

Dance.  Elbow a Jersey girl.  Can't get into a fight here, I don't have any back up and I'm not drunk enough to not take it seriously.

1am ride home not even buzzed.  Shirt and pants stick to my skin with sweat.

Shower.  1:30AM.  Sleep for an hour.

Toss and turn.

What if my alarm doesn't go off?

What if Erin's alarm doesn't go off?

What if my flight is delayed?

Did I pack everything?

What if Patrick isn't happy to see me?

Call me at 3am.  Why?  Because I have a 6am flight home.  Ok.

3:05am.  Wake up Erin.

It is pouring rain.  Feel guilty.

Lost.  Frantically searching for directions on the sidekick.  Stupid t-mobile.

Airport.  Hugs and I love yous.

Flight cancelled.  I hate my life.  Collapse on suitcase and cry.

Woman behind me is swearing and yelling.

Plan.  Take a bus at 6:45am to a different airport.  Take a 8:55 flight to Atlanta.  1hr layover.  1:15pm flight to Milwaukee.  Arrive at 2:17pm.

Get on bus.  Fall asleep.

Get on plane.  Fall asleep before it takes off.

Wake up.  Hand is tingling.  Can't feel my fingers.

Wake up.  Neck hurts.

Wake up.  Plane is landing.

Flight delayed.  Sit on floor of Atlanta airport listening to Eisley and drinking water.

Get on plane.  Fall asleep before it takes off.

Wake up.  Woman next to me elbowed me.

Wake up.  Woman next to me kicked my foot.

Wake up.  Give up on sleep.  Read book.  Stare out window at Lake Michigan.

Plane just landed.

Fuck.

I can find my own ride home.

I'm here.  I have to work.  Where are you?

On the plane.

Where are you?

In the tube thing.

Tube thing?

Yea the thing that takes you from the plane to the building.

Where are you?

At baggage claim.

Gotta go.  I can't get my bag and talk.

Relief.  Smiles.  Kisses.  Hugs.